But When Do I Fail?

Flanner O’ Connor once said: “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” That is where I find myself tonight. I am hoping that in writing this, I can better gather my thoughts.

I think faith is easy to have when you’re on top of the mountain. When things are going great, and life is easy...it’s easy to have faith. It’s in the darker times that it is a struggle.

I cannot even say that it’s lack of trust in God that has been the issue. It is more of lack of faith in myself. When the panic has set in, I have asked myself time and time again, “But when do I fail?”

If I’m honest, one of the not-so-great traits within myself is the fact that I have trouble staying the course. I have trouble with commitment. I have trouble with resiliency. I know this about myself.

I’ve been back in church for a year, and as I told my childhood friend (now one of the church staff), “I’m trying.” But that has not been without moments of doubt and panic.

And when that panic has set in, I wanted to run. I wanted to jump the gun, and just quit. Quit before I had a chance to let even more people down.

See, that’s what I do. When I feel any sort of pressure, any kind of emotion, my go-to response is to run.

In telling this to a beloved friend this past week, I told him: “I just want to run away from it all...maybe get another tattoo...maybe get my nose pierced...Just run away and go a little wild for a while.” Running away from issues is what I’m good at.

But today, I made it through Sunday School. Then, the song service. Then, the sermon. And at every point, I felt something. And I was so glad that I was there.

I am not perfect. I am a very flawed individual. I do not proclaim to be anything aside from that. But here I sit, trying.