Teetering

I don’t know why I even try to say what I’m thinking anymore. I do WAY better writing it.

This is exactly the predicament I found myself in on Monday evening. I was trying desperately to get the words mentioned below out...and I wound up sounding twiddleheaded, talking in circles.

This is what I was trying to explain to a friend:

Suddenly, I find myself at a weird place. I’m worried about how my words and actions affect others. More concerned that I may ever have been. I have never asked to be anyone’s role model, and when people look to me for opinions, I often say “my opinion doesn’t matter, you need to do what you think is right.” That’s honestly how I feel! My lowly opinion doesn’t amount to a hill of beans! But last week, in just making a simple, honest statement, I realized how quickly my thoughts/opinions can affect some of those closest to me and cause them to stumble. That is literally NEVER what I want.

Which led me to this thought process... my outlet for much of my adult life has been writing. And if you’ve been close to me, or followed my blog for a while, you KNOW that I’ve have written about the ups and downs, highs and lows in life.... If I’ve lived it, chances are I’ve written about it. Some of the great things...and some of the things most people would want to keep hidden.

But see, that’s just not who I am. I will always share even the ugly stuff...not to glorify it...or try and “normalize” it...but rather to show others a glimpse into my journey. All of these things...life experiences, sin, tragedy, and wonderful things...I’ve shown splattered through my posts over the years. I think honestly, that is why others find my writing relatable....because it’s honest. I have, and will never, say that I am anything more than a very flawed person who has been shown more mercy that I ever deserved.

I am trying to find a balance...of being that outspoken writer from before...and being someone that younger girls can look up to.