Celebrating Cornbread

I always post this on my dad's birthday.

Rather than having a blog post that talks about how much I miss him, and Lord knows I miss him, I thought this would be a great time to do a compilation of his funny quotes, and his funny stories. I will add a little disclaimer about some of the pictures...as you will notice, many of the pictures I post are of him without a shirt. He did, in fact, own shirts, lol, he just preferred not to wear them when lounging around at home. So if my pictures offend you, I’m sorry.

So here goes:

Cornbread on driving:

“If you wouldn’t have had your radio up that loud, you wouldn’t have had that flat tire.”

“If you drive 45 mph everywhere, you’ll save on gas.”

“Aleta, in the last two weeks you got a speeding ticket and hit a parked car...that doesn’t speak too well does it?”

(Talking about a certain somebody driving a porta-potty truck): “She drives that shit truck like it’s a firetruck headed to a fire!”

His favorite story about his slow driving: “There I was, driving the inmate van to Itchetucknee, and we went through the School Zone. That crossing guard always hated to see me coming. The school zone was 15 mph, so of course I went 5. There that lady stood, waving her hands for me to go faster, yelling “keep going, c’mon!” The inmates just laughed.

Now, if any of y’all ever got behind my dad while driving, you’d have known it... He was one of the only people that could make church members cuss both going to and coming from church. And Lord knows you didn’t pass him. I did once. I had had it. He was going 30 the whole way home, I’m sure just for my benefit, and I’d just had it. So I sped past him... which led to this statement when he made it home: “Aleta, you drive like a bat outta hell.” What? Because I went the 55 speed limit? :)

Cornbread on idiots:

“He’s not the sharpest knife in the tool shed.”

Cornbread on Dental Hygiene:

While watching his favorite show “Hee-Haw” one night on tv, he took out his dentures and started cleaning them. As I watched him eyeing his teeth, he looked over at me and said “My God, I think I’ve got a cavity.”

If you can’t say anything nice, come sit by Cornbread:

We used to have a lady, (bless her heart), that we were around that thought she could sing. The only real way I can describe the voice is: Tammy Wynette on crack. Well, dad, any time this lady would get up to sing, would look over to my cousin’s wife, Jodi. And she’d try as hard as she could not NOT look at him. And just as soon as she did, those big eyes of his would near ‘bout roll back in his head. I must say here, that I’ve nearly got “that” look down-pat now ;)

After Easter service, as soon as he walked in the door: “That ugly little girl made fun of my overalls. Hell, you’d have to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her...and she made fun of my overalls.”

“She’s good people. She’s a burnt out pothead, but she’s good people.”

Honesty IS the best policy:

We had an Evangelist visit our church multiple times. Now, dad was not the fondest of this man, and normally, if he knew he was coming, dad would just go to Sunday School and then head home...but he actually sat through his sermon one Sunday. Towards the end of the service, the Evangelist asked the congregation who was planning to come back that Sunday evening. A majority of the church dutifully raised their hands. Then, the Evangelist asked the congregation who was planning not to attend that evening. I looked over at dad, as he was hard to miss, as he raised his hand high towards the heavens, the only hand raised in the whole congregation. Nope, he sure wasn’t planning on coming back that evening.

Cornbread on the War on Drugs:

During a dinner party...with church-going family friends...in the middle of dinner....out of the blue: “You know...we just need to legalize marijuana...I mean, we’re just losin’ this whole war on drugs.”

Cornbread on alcohol:

At the New Year’s Eve party at my Aunt’s house, to Jarrod who was pouring him sparkling grape juice: “Now, this doesn’t have any alcohol in it, right? I don’t want to get drunk.”

Someone told him that a sip or two of wine might help when he woke up with muscle cramps, so we had some in the house. He tried this trick, he had maybe two sips. Here was the conversation that ensued the next morning:

Mom: “So, Jackie, did the wine help the cramps last night?”

Dad: “Not really, it just made me drunk.”

Cornbread on healthcare:

To a nurse, after he’d been kept on a liquid diet for two days: “I know what y’all are doin’...y’all are gettin’ me all slim and trim so I’m casket sharp.”

After giving the stink eye to a nurse, after dad was returned to his room after a minor surgery: “Cindi, you would not believe where they had me!! You would not believe where they did my surgery. They had me in the woodshed out back.”

Walking in one morning to one mad Cornbread...sitting there with his arms crossed, his eyes rolling.....

“Dad, did you sleep okay?”

(insert eyeroll)

“Hell no. They put me in here with him (as he points to his roommate), and he had his tv going wide ass open all night.”

Cornbread on Politics:

“You know who I’m writing in on my ballot? Willie Nelson. He’d get rid of the IRS and he’d legalize marijuana.”

Cornbread on a balanced diet:

“I need to start eating better. I do. (As he sorts through the plate put in front of him) Now, who wants this banana. I don’t want that crap.”

“I don’t like grape popsicles. They make me burp.”

Cornbread on Foreigners:

“You know those people from England that can’t speak good English?”

Cornbread on Religion:

This conversation happened while awaiting surgery, to determine whether he would accept a blood transfusion if needed:

Nurse: “Sir, are you Jehovah’s Witness?”

Dad: “Hell no! I’m Baptist.”

Cornbread on phone etiquette:

I cannot tell you how many times in my life I’ve heard my dad answer the phone “Well, hey you big dummy.”

To telemarketers:

“Don’t you ever call our house and wake me up on a Saturday again!”

“Hell no, we’re not interested.”

When the Pizza Hut Delivery man hadn’t come within an hour’s time, on the phone with Pizza Hut:

“Well, thank God that boy wasn’t driving an Ambulance.”

Cornbread on Work Ethic:

“I lovvvvve my job.” (I think that this one...by far...was his favorite saying, ever.)

Truth be told, my daddy provided me the funniest material to write with. For those of you that were blessed enough to be around him, you knew how funny he was. There are so many things, so many funny memories that pop into my mind every day. My mom, Rheba and I were truly blessed to be “Jackie’s Girls.” He brightened our lives with his dramatic flair and always put a crazy spin on any situation. I miss him terribly, but you know what? Laughter has always been what got me through anything hard. This year on his birthday, I want to celebrate his life, not mourn our loss. I want to laugh at his memory. I want to remember him in his best possible form.

If you have any funny memories, I encourage you to post them. I would love to read them!