Teetering

I don’t know why I even try to say what I’m thinking anymore. I do WAY better writing it.

This is exactly the predicament I found myself in on Monday evening. I was trying desperately to get the words mentioned below out...and I wound up sounding twiddleheaded, talking in circles.

This is what I was trying to explain to a friend:

Suddenly, I find myself at a weird place. I’m worried about how my words and actions affect others. More concerned that I may ever have been. I have never asked to be anyone’s role model, and when people look to me for opinions, I often say “my opinion doesn’t matter, you need to do what you think is right.” That’s honestly how I feel! My lowly opinion doesn’t amount to a hill of beans! But last week, in just making a simple, honest statement, I realized how quickly my thoughts/opinions can affect some of those closest to me and cause them to stumble. That is literally NEVER what I want.

Which led me to this thought process... my outlet for much of my adult life has been writing. And if you’ve been close to me, or followed my blog for a while, you KNOW that I’ve have written about the ups and downs, highs and lows in life.... If I’ve lived it, chances are I’ve written about it. Some of the great things...and some of the things most people would want to keep hidden.

But see, that’s just not who I am. I will always share even the ugly stuff...not to glorify it...or try and “normalize” it...but rather to show others a glimpse into my journey. All of these things...life experiences, sin, tragedy, and wonderful things...I’ve shown splattered through my posts over the years. I think honestly, that is why others find my writing relatable....because it’s honest. I have, and will never, say that I am anything more than a very flawed person who has been shown more mercy that I ever deserved.

I am trying to find a balance...of being that outspoken writer from before...and being someone that younger girls can look up to.

But When Do I Fail?

Flanner O’ Connor once said: “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” That is where I find myself tonight. I am hoping that in writing this, I can better gather my thoughts.

I think faith is easy to have when you’re on top of the mountain. When things are going great, and life is easy...it’s easy to have faith. It’s in the darker times that it is a struggle.

I cannot even say that it’s lack of trust in God that has been the issue. It is more of lack of faith in myself. When the panic has set in, I have asked myself time and time again, “But when do I fail?”

If I’m honest, one of the not-so-great traits within myself is the fact that I have trouble staying the course. I have trouble with commitment. I have trouble with resiliency. I know this about myself.

I’ve been back in church for a year, and as I told my childhood friend (now one of the church staff), “I’m trying.” But that has not been without moments of doubt and panic.

And when that panic has set in, I wanted to run. I wanted to jump the gun, and just quit. Quit before I had a chance to let even more people down.

See, that’s what I do. When I feel any sort of pressure, any kind of emotion, my go-to response is to run.

In telling this to a beloved friend this past week, I told him: “I just want to run away from it all...maybe get another tattoo...maybe get my nose pierced...Just run away and go a little wild for a while.” Running away from issues is what I’m good at.

But today, I made it through Sunday School. Then, the song service. Then, the sermon. And at every point, I felt something. And I was so glad that I was there.

I am not perfect. I am a very flawed individual. I do not proclaim to be anything aside from that. But here I sit, trying.