Hopelessly Unmotivated

Image found on www.tinybuddha.com

This week, I have found myself hopelessly unmotivated. I have not had the urge to write. I have not had the urge to practice my yoga. I haven’t had much of an urge to do anything other than watch Parks and Rec, if I’m honest. 

I don’t know if it’s been the weather. Or maybe I’ve just shrunken into a bit of a blue mood after last weekend’s shenanigans. All I know is, I have just wanted to be curled up in my bed, watching something funny, and able to just zone out.

At first, I felt bad about it. You know how self- talk is….I was thinking “My God, I should be exercising. I feel like a dumpster. I should be writing….my blog isn’t going to write itself”…and the like.

As per the norm, my best friend came to the rescue. I told her how I was feeling…just completely unmotivated this week. She responded with the quote in the heading photo. As always, her rational thought process made me feel oodles better.

Is it okay to have weeks where you aren’t going a mile a minute? Exercising diligently? Writing at every possible minute? Solving the world’s problems? YES! It is totally fine. That is life! You’re going to have days where you feel invincible, and like you have it all together and could conquer the world. Then, there will be those days when you just want to crawl in bed and watch TV. And as long as you don’t let that feeling consume you and your time for very long…it is very much okay!

So today, I’m thankful for the down times…they make the moments of inspiration and motivation that much sweeter. And as always, I’m thankful for my very rational-thought-driven friend who always knows just what to say to bring encouragement on my not-so-top-of-the-mountain days.

Happy Birthday, Rheba!

Today is my little sister’s birthday, y’all! She is 25.

While I hate to not be there to celebrate with her (we celebrated earlier in the week), I am hoping that her birthday is just plain fabulous. She’ll be doing what she loves…attending a rodeo.

She’s gone from being the two year old that shot off the fire extinguisher in our kitchen (as mom was cooking dinner); to the 4 year old that had to go to the hospital because she stuck nerds up her nose; to the boots-over-jeans clad Middle-schooler that hung out with all the guys; to the steer-showing High-schooler; to full-time working, full-time RN student; to the woman she is today. I am, and will always be, so proud of my little sister.

This year has brought big changes for her…she got married and started her dream job. She works as an Oncology nurse in Bone Marrow Transplant Unit.  For her to know what she wanted to do so early in life is a blessing…and something I greatly admire. Her job is not easy, and she has heartbreaking days…but like my dad, she “loves her job.” She’s making a difference in every single person that she takes care of.

At heart, her passion will always be her horses. Going from barrel racing in Middle and High School…to now breeding horses, her interests have evolved and deepened over the years. To see how knowledgeable and good she is with the horses will leave you awestruck.

I pray that this upcoming year is full of blessings, love and laughter. I pray that this year finds her surrounded by friends, family, and her horses. I pray that, this year, all of her dreams come true.

I’m so glad God made her my sister.

Happy Birthday, Rheba!

A Bit Of A Shameless Plug

This year, I am wanting to make some big changes to my blog. And while I’m not there just yet, and not quite ready to talk about it, I’m moving towards it. I will update you guys a little closer to time.

BUTTTT…something I vowed to do this year was promote myself and my blog a little more. To those that repeatedly share my blog, I appreciate you. I am trying to build my audience, so your help is so appreciated. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Now….how cute is my hat? My friend Beth at Wildling Artistry embroidered this for me last week. I’m in love.

Here's to 32...

I want to share a moment of pride with you guys....

I don't know if it's a 32 year-old thing or what...but this year I'm just letting everything go.

Last summer, around my birthday, I gave up dying my hair.  Dark haired girls can attest, the maintenance of dark hair is HARD.  I've been battling grey hair since I was 16.  That was half of my life!  It had gotten to the point where I could dye my hair, and within two weeks the greys were already peeking through.  I HATED dying my hair.  It was something I dreaded every month.  I was OVER it. So, I gave it up.

I had a friend tell me, the peer pressure was the hardest part.  People would wonder why you had stopped dying your hair, being fairly young and all.  And honestly, my friends have been very supportive.  Heck, I had one of my most critical friends tell me that she really liked it, actually.  I've only had one criticism thus far.

But honestly, having that dreaded process every month eliminated, has been a big burden off of me.  And y'all, moment of truth....I LOVE my grey hair.  I think it actually softens my face.  It's still growing out, so it'll be a while before I'm truly grey.  (I hadn't wanted to strip the layers of black hair dye from my hair and further damage my hair).  But I am LOVING IT.

Also, there have been years in the past where I would not go out without a full face of make up.  Primer.  Foundation.  Powder.  Blush.  Eyeliner.  Eyeshadow.  Mascara.  Lipstick.  The whole shebang.  I would have to get up two hours early to get ready for work every day.  I wouldn't go to Walmart even, without all of the above mentioned on my face.   In fairness, I have a few dark spots on my face already, and they always seem to darken after being out in the sun during the Summer.  They had been worse a few years ago.  Most makeups wouldn't cover them, and they made me self-conscious.  That was the cause of my NEED for makeup.

Over the past two years, I had lessened my morning routine to CC cream (Mary Kay has an amazing CC cream that covers extremely well without being cakey), powder, blush, and mascara.  I could get ready in about 20 minutes.

Last week, I ran out of CC Cream.  I do intend to buy more.  But I just slap ran out.  For me, unheard of.  So, for the past week, I have been going to work with very minimal makeup.

Know what?  I am completely OKAY with it.  It honestly has not been much of a change.  Most people wouldn't notice.  But for me, as a mind over matter instance, it's a huge deal.  And I'm so freaking proud of myself for starting to truly be okay in my own skin.

Here's to 32, and letting everything go...self-doubt...self-consciousness...low self-image...makeup routines...hair dye...

And being truly happy with oneself.

Author's Note:  I am a terrible selfie-er.  My eyes always do something weird when I'm looking at the camera...so I typically look away (like the bottom one).  BUT these photos were taken with absolutely no makeup on, using no filter.  #NakedFace

Bleeding Ink by Brooke Hampton

As evident by my facebook page, I am a HUGE fan of Barefoot Five. In perusing her website recently, I found that she had written a book. Of course, I had to buy it…

Upon receiving it, I found that it wasn’t necessarily Brooke’s story…it was more filled with writing prompts to help you discover yourself, your wants, your path. Loving to write, myself, I am LOVING this book. It has been thought provoking, and has especially gotten me to reflect on what I truly want, what I am longing to create, and what I need to do to get where I want to be.

I would highly recommend for those who enjoy writing, whether it be blogging, journaling, or otherwise. And even if you don’t…if you’re just not happy at where you’re at…this book would help you reflect on yourself and your goals.

Also...if you have not checked out the Barefoot Five page on Facebook, I beg you to do so.

NO!

I just have to tell you guys…. I am really freaking proud of myself right now. 

Have you ever found it extremely hard to tell someone “no?” I never thought much about it until recently. But I truly STRUGGLE with this. Even as someone who doesn’t participate in many civic activities and such, I still get roped into a whole lot. Things I have ZERO interest in doing, or absolutely dread doing, all because I’m helping someone out. I’m no different than a majority of women…who stretch ourselves too thin just because we feel bad to tell someone “no.”

This is precisely where I found myself at this week. Stretched too thin. Desperately seeking a way out of an obligation. As it crept up, I sat back weighing the pros and cons. Finally, I decided that my time was worth far more to me than the obligation. I broke down and sent the dreaded message. “I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

The Heavens opened up. The Angels sang the Hallelujah Chorus. And a massive weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

And with that huge relief, I was left asking myself, “How is it so easy to get roped into this stuff in the first place? Why is it that hard to say no?”

Obligation? Guilt? A need to please people?

I don’t have all the answers. But for now, I’m relishing in the fact that I said “No” and took back the reins on my time for once.

Here is to doing more of what we actually WANT to do, and having control over our time.

The Annual Chiefland FFA Chili Cook-Off Cake Auction

CK's Coconut Cake with Boiled Coconut Glaze

Hey guys...Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

I just want you to know that my house currently smells DELICIOUS!  Cynthia Kay has been baking up a storm!

Every year I have to do a little plug for my local Chiefland FFA'ers.  They are having their annual Chili Cook-Off and Cake Auction tomorrow night.  The festivities begin at 5:30 p.m...beginning with the Chili Cook-Off, followed by the Cake Auction.  

Unfortunately, I won't get to be there this year as I have prior obligations.  But I am sorely going to miss it.  The auction itself is a hoot.  Some of the participants get all riled up and it's just hilarious to watch.  

If you haven't already made plans, I highly recommend going.  Get your belly full of chili and maybe buy your sweetheart a cake...you'll be helping our local students!

CK's Almond Cream Cheese Pound Cake

Small Business Shoutout: Where I Buy My Crystals

All of the above crystals were purchased from The Crystalline Willow.

I joked with my best friend when she sent me this meme (below) that mine wouldn’t be about the 7/11 or Taco Bell at 3 a.m…. I would be questioned by CHASE about all of the random names I send money to over PayPal. If ever questioned, I’d jokingly tell them they were my drug dealers. 

I’ve had a lot of inquiries lately as to where I buy my crystals. So here goes:

I know that some people are hard-core “I must buy my crystals from a crystal shop” or “I buy the one that draws me in that day.” And if you’re that person…that’s perfectly fine. I’m not that person.

I DO choose the ones that speak to me (not literally, mind you). But then again, I also buy a lot of times for friends. And sometimes, buy some from the location where they’re sourced.

I actually buy most of my crystals off of Instagram. When I first got into crystals, my friend Beth suggested several pages to follow on Instagram.

The Crystalline Willow: I buy a TON of my stones from Angie. She posts regularly and has quite a collection. Angie is also one that if I’m looking for something in particular, she is happy to keep an eye out for me. She has truly become a friend.

Cote’s Craft: Where Angie posts a set price on her crystals, there are some pages that have auctions. I’m not always great with auctions, because for some reason I let them stress me out. But I just recently won a bid for a beautiful citrine on Sheri’s page. Her starting bids are beyond reasonable and she posts some truly beautiful pieces. 

A tiny Jade Elephant I recently purchased from Spiritual Junkies

Spiritual Junkies:  Another Instagram favorite of mine is Spiritual Junkies.  I have bought a few beautiful bracelets from her.  Recently, I purchased a tiny Jade elephant that I just adore.

The Shiva Lingam stone (the origin of these is only at the Narmada River in Central India).

Shop Love Crystals: The crystals on this page go quickly! But I recently saw a post of a large shiva lingam stone that had already sold. I messaged her and asked if she ever came across another one, would she let me know. She quickly responded that she had the twin to the one that had sold and offered to sell it to me.

My box of bracelets that I've bought from Beth over the past year.

Wildling Artistry: I’ve spoken about her frequently, but Beth is my go-to for my crystal bracelets. However, she also sells crystals! She is local (Ocala), and also sets up once a month in Chiefland. Beth also carries a plethora of products, like Florida Water, and essential oil blends. She has such a neat little shop. Find her at www.wildlingartistry.com!

The Bumble Bee Jasper Ms. Marianne with Mare's Minerals found for me.

Mare’s Minerals: I was SO pleased to find Mrs. Marianne at the Christmas Festival in Chiefland. To know that such a sweet lady, with such an extensive collection (who also does jewelry) lives so close by…well, it made me so happy! Since first meeting her, I have asked her to search for me a Bumble Bee Jasper, and she did. She found one for me! At the festival, I purchased an XL Black Tourmaline (which helps with keeping negative energy away). I love it and it currently resides on my office desk. Ms. Marianne can be found at www.thedragonshoard.net. If you can’t find what you’re looking for, shoot her an email at maresminerals@hughes.net. She is going to be set up at Veg Fest on February 16th at Depot Park in Gainesville, and will be at Heartwood in Gainesville on February 21st.

I hope this helps those that are curious about crystals. As I did, if you are having a certain problem…look up what crystals may be helpful to you. And as always, if you have any specific questions, send me a message or email. I’m happy to help!

Restless

Mandala image found on steemit.com

You guys, the struggle bus has plowed me over this week. 

Not only has it been a week chock-full of crazy at work….but I’m feeling the most restless I’ve felt in a very long time. Nothing suits. I’ll start watching a movie or show….I can’t focus. I’ll start reading my book, and within minutes, I have to set it down…because I don’t want to read. I’ll start listening to a song, and will end up changing it before it’s done…because I’m just not feeling it.

My heart is discontent.

I want to do drastic things; perhaps, to break up the mundane. I want to get my nose pierced. I want to get tattoed. But I also know that making bold decisions during this time might not be in my best interest.

I am longing to be elsewhere. And yet, the destination is unknown. I feel like I’ve been still for far too long. I need to see new things. I need to photograph old barns and red dirt roads and train tracks and new sunsets.

I was supposed to go to Georgia this weekend, which would have helped tremendously, but our trip got postponed.

I won’t lie here, I tried to fill the void with things. I have bought crystals, shirts, and books, all week long. And even though these were things I wanted…they still didn’t fill that void. I suppose that just goes to show that materialistic things can’t make you happy or fill a void.

I’m restless. And perhaps on the verge of a transformation.   

The Call

Image found on wanelo.co

I was driving home. The windows were down; the wind whipping my hair. I was singing along to the radio in an attempt to wind down from the day.

The phone rang. It was him. I answered. I would always answer when he called.

"Come pick me upppp," he slurred.

"What?" I asked.

"Come pick me uppp." He had been drinking. And from the way it sounded, he had been for quite some time that afternoon.

He never drank.

It was 6 p.m. in the evening. How could he be this drunk at 6 p.m. on a Friday? And why?

"Are you drunk?"

"Noooo. I only had one beer."

Right. 

"Where are you?"

"At my house." Why the hell was he calling me from his house? And where was she?

A new song came on. A male group was singing a someone-did-me-wrong song.

"You're with someone! I heard a guy's voice. You're on a date, aren't you?" I could hear in his voice he was upset.

"No! No, that's just the radio. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I just thought you were with someone."

"I'm not. I promise."

"Well, I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you." His voice broke.

We talked for a few minutes.

Suddenly, I heard muffled sounds. He got back on the phone, but his tone had changed completely. She must have made it home.

I heard her ask who he was on the phone with. I heard him lie.

I said "You'd better go. I'll talk to you soon," knowing that was a lie.

The instant that I hung up, I knew that would be the last conversation we would need to have. The lines were blurring. He was calling me from his house. The home he shared with her.

Our relationship had carried on for so many years. It was what it was. It would never change. It hurt too much to continue to be a fixture in his life, but never be his life. I could deal with the eternal heartbreak it would bring me. But I could not bear the pain of knowing his heart was breaking on the other end of the phone.

A tear slipped down my cheek.

And The World Began Turning Again

Image found on etsy.

In a filled restaurant. The hub in a small town, on a Friday night. I looked across the restaurant, and saw him sitting with a group of people. A sudden intake of breath. My stomach fell to the floor, when his head turned in my direction.

Glancing at each other. Offering ourselves a moment of eye contact. In that moment, it was back again. In that fraction of a second, everything completely stopped. Which was fitting, as the memories had begun to flood back, washing over our eyes as the waves wash over a shore.

What an oddity it was to have one’s heart outside of one’s body. Standing there, across a room, facing each other.

Years had come and gone, others had come and gone. And still, it remained.

It was best said by Freud, who professed that “our beds are crowded.” Our beds filled with the ever-present ghosts of our past.

And the glance ended as abruptly as it had come. In a blink. Both of us looking away in denial. Both of us bringing our attention back to those at our tables. And the world began turning again.

---

Written: September 20, 2015.