Push

I had considered writing this piece as more of a narrative, but then realized that I would not be doing justice to myself, my writing, or my story.

I was sexually assaulted at 23.  And if I'm honest, that wasn't the first time that happened to me.  The first time, I was well under 18.

And don’t you dare feel pity for me, because that is not the purpose of this blog. Do you see the number listed above? 1 in 6. One out of every six women will experience sexual violence in their lifetime. I am not alone in my struggle, I am one among millions.

This year sexual assault has been at the forefront in many political debates. I am not here to discuss politics. I loathe politics.  I feel certain that you can make your own judgment call on that one. I will only say that I feel like its prevalence in discussion by the media has only made it more difficult for victims. It has only vilified us.

What I AM going to talk about today is how this has played a part in my life. I see its effects on my life still to this day.

Neither time did I report it. Not reporting either instance is something that I am going to have to live with and a burden that I will bear. I have forgiven both men, and there is nothing I can do but move forward.

After the first incident, I was terrified to be alone. Only in my adult life did I see how the two correlated.

As a teen, I would listen to our youth pastors talk about purity before marriage, and I was left feeling like I was somehow dirty or impure.  Not by my own doing, but by what happened to me. 

When I was 23, I was out partying in celebration of the 4th of July. I had too much to drink, which is something I will always regret. I was with friends, I wasn’t driving, so I thought it was okay. I was giddy. We were having a blast. There were about six of us that left the bar together, and went driving around. We wound up at a place with a hot tub. One of the guys with us honed in on me, grabbed me from behind, and sat me down on his naked lap. He was determined that we were going to have sex that night. I laughed it off at first, I truly thought he was kidding, or just putting on a show. I tried to get out of his grip. He kept pulling me onto him. After a few minutes of this, the others got out of the hot tub as it was getting uncomfortable. I kept trying to get out of his grip, he kept pulling me back. He had me from behind so I was at a bit of a disadvantage. He was probably around 6’5” and 250 lbs. What makes me angry to this day was the fact that there were two other men with us, who sat back and did nothing. Would you like to know who came to my rescue? My teeny, tiny, petite best friend.

Afterwards, I made light of it. Said it wasn’t that big of a deal. Because that is what I do when I don’t know how to handle my emotions. But I vividly remember getting back to our hotel that night and scrubbing my skin raw trying to clean him off of me. He left me with hickies on my neck. What he took from me was my sense of security.

I am now extremely cautious of who I drink with. I will never get to the point where I am not in control ever again.

I am now extremely cautious of men who push me or try to manipulate me. I am overly sensitive to men who do not take my “no” as a definitive answer.

I set boundaries, as it gives me a sense of control. 

I see sex as separate from intimacy, which is something that I'm working on.

I am cautious about the people I allow to touch me. Even a simple hug. I’m getting better...but it has taken a lot of time.

If someone gives me weird vibes, I get out of that situation quickly.  I've learned to trust my instincts.

There are many things that still plague me to this day.

This year, due to the many news stories, I have heard and read comments (from people in OUR area) like: "Well, if kids were brought up in church these days, they wouldn't get themselves into those situations."  "Well, if she hadn't have dressed a certain way."  Comments like this irritate the hell out of me, because in true instances of sexual assault, when a victim reads/hears this it makes us feel as if WE are in the wrong.  Here are some facts.  I was brought up in church.  The night that I spoke of, I was wearing jean capris and a short sleeved shirt.  And no matter how many times I said "NO!" or tried to get away, he was not hearing it.  As someone who walked through this, hear my words:  I. Am. Not. To. Blame. For. His. Actions.

I guess the real point to this blog post is to get my story out there. I need you to realize that a sexual assault victim is not just someone that you see in a National news story. There are women and girls right here that have been affected by this.  Be careful with your words.

And if you are a victim of sexual assault, my message to you is this:  You are not alone.  It was not your fault.  If ever you need to reach out to someone, I am here.

**All statistic photos were found on the RAINN.Org website.